My friend’s mother lives right next door to her—literally right next door. While some might find having a parent so close a bit overwhelming, for someone with small children (assuming there’s a solid relationship between you and your mom), this setup could be immensely advantageous; your desired “community” is just a few steps away. Yet, there’s an intriguing angle to consider: this friend also has two siblings with children, which leads to sharing their mom, affectionately known as “Grandma.”
A conversation with this friend made me reflect on the intricate dynamics of #grandparentlife. I thought back to times when my mother-in-law needed a breather after watching my two kids while my husband and I took a vacation. I also know my mom starts taking vitamins before visiting to ensure she stays healthy, especially since young children can make grandparents sick. I’ve heard friends voice frustrations about their siblings who don’t seem to grasp the challenges of asking their 70-year-old parents to look after several young grandchildren for extended periods.
To gain deeper insight, we surveyed our own networks of grandparents and the broader audience to uncover their genuine feelings about being asked to care for their grandkids—and we received hundreds of responses!
We gathered experiences from a variety of grandparents, from those living under the same roof as their grandchildren to those who must fly across the country to see them. Some provide care daily, others monthly, and some simply wish they could be involved, whether due to job obligations, distance, or not being asked at all. Most respondents had between one and four grandchildren, while some reported having more than ten. Here are some prominent themes we discovered from The Everygrandparents.
They Are Thrilled and Eager To Be Asked
When asked about their reactions to being approached for childcare, an overwhelming majority of grandparents conveyed excitement, joy, and warmth. Of course, a few acknowledged feelings of tiredness, conflicting emotions, and stress, which is something we can all relate to given how demanding children can be. Additionally, many grandparents expressed a desire to spend more time with their grandchildren or felt that the timing of requests was just right.
They Always Aim to Be Equitable When Dividing Their Time
When discussing whether they experienced conflicts with their adult children over child-caring duties, most grandparents seemed to maintain solid communication with their grown children. Many had established guidelines but acknowledged that exceptions and disagreements could arise. Like my friend and her sisters, it’s essential to maintain open communication among siblings in order to avoid placing their parents in the middle of disputes regarding childcare.
“At times, I’m asked to look after multiple grandchildren on the same day. I manage requests on a first-come, first-serve basis. If one sibling has other arrangements and the other doesn’t, I give priority to the sibling without options.”
“We try to meet each family’s needs as they come up. Ideally, it balances out over time to avoid any lingering resentment.”
“It can be tough to manage short notice (like a snow day). Additionally, balancing time and babysitting duties between my two sets of grandchildren can lead to conflicts when they request care on the same day.”
They Desire to Feel Valued and Trusted
Many grandparents highlighted the honor they feel when asked to care for their grandchildren, but it’s vital for us as children to convey appreciation for our parents’ help and not take their willingness for granted. This serves as a reminder of the positive outcomes of our upbringing (aside from any unresolved issues you might have) and indicates they did a commendable job. Furthermore, acknowledging their unique circumstances—whether related to age or familiarity with your home and children’s routines—can be incredibly beneficial. Grandparents have lives of their own, too.
“I raised four kids, and they turned out well, but I had a lot more energy back then.”
“While I enjoy it, watching the grandkids is hard work and can be tiring. I’m more than happy to help my children and grandchildren, but I need to feel appreciated—it’s important that they recognize my support.”
“Please don’t overextend requests or take our assistance for granted. We adore our grandkids but may not always relish the idea of babysitting. That sentiment is reasonable and should be respected.”
“Acknowledge my experience raising my own kids. Please allow me some freedom with them, and avoid micromanaging too much.”
“I cherish one-on-one moments because it allows me to foster a closer bond. When his mother is present, he often prefers her. These special interactions have deepened our connection!”
“I probably will be more attentive and caring than I was with my own kids, LOL.”
“Know that I love them and would never put them in danger.”
“I’d rather babysit at my home rather than exclusively at theirs.” (This sentiment came up frequently!)
“Some traditional practices still have value.”
They Do Recall What It’s Like
Many grandparents expressed pleasure in providing their adult children with a break from parenting, fully aware of how challenging it can be. Let’s appreciate their generosity!
“Relax and enjoy yourselves. The kids are safe and happy. Feel free to stay out longer than you did in your younger years.”
“I can’t get enough of each grandchild. I’m here for you and genuinely love when you reach out to me for support. Parenting can be exhausting, and we’re grateful for the chance to step in and give you a break.”
“It would bring me joy to watch my grandson so his parents can enjoy a night out with friends. I valued the assistance from my mom and want to extend that same relief to my daughter. My husband and I treasure our time with our grandson.”
They Are More Present Than We Are
Many grandparents reflected on how quickly time raced by while they were raising their own children. As grandparents, they seem to take a step back and savor the smaller moments. The phrase “creating memories” frequently popped up as what brings them the greatest joy while spending time with their grandchildren. They also take pleasure in watching how their grandchildren emulate their parents while still marveling at each child’s unique personality. Many grandparents offered strong opinions about screen time for their grandkids (as well as advice for their adult children).
“As a caregiver, you often find yourself engrossed in teaching and fulfilling every need of a child, making it easy to miss the little moments. As a grandparent, you can truly enjoy those small interactions, and they are genuinely beautiful and rewarding.”
