Perhaps a stronger term might be strong dislike, or even disfavor. The core truth is that I hold a significant aversion towards my mother-in-law. Allow me to illustrate a situation: when my husband introduced me to his mother to announce our engagement, she took considerable time to extol the virtues of his ex-wife. Now, please don’t misinterpret my words; I have no doubt that my husband’s prior partner was an exceptional person (given her patience with my husband), but bringing her up during an event focused on our engagement felt disrespectful and upsetting.
I have genuinely tried to remember that my mother-in-law comes from a different generation. There is a notable age gap between my husband and me, making her old enough to be my grandmother. Additionally, she comes from a distinct cultural background where our values do not always coincide. The fact that I am my husband’s second wife complicates matters further, as he first spouse will always hold a special place in her heart. I have sincerely attempted to understand the difficulties my mother-in-law has endured throughout her life, much of which can be traced back to her own choices. She often seems to be her own worst enemy. Despite having a flourishing and loving family, including children and grandchildren, and a beautiful home, she remains dissatisfied and projects that frustration onto those around her, including her son.
Reaching a Breaking Point With My Mother-in-Law
My mother-in-law has deliberately tried to undermine my sense of self-worth and has diminished my daughter’s status as her grandchild. This was the critical moment for me. I barely interact with her nowadays. But I realize that my husband views her in a different light. To him, she will always be his mother, which is why he still makes phone calls and visits her. My own interactions with her, however, are very limited, aside from the occasional visit. She rarely reaches out, and when she does, she hardly asks about our family.
During our interactions, I maintain a level of politeness but keep my distance. I contribute just enough effort to avoid being rude, sharing only necessary information. I wish things could be different, but I’m not interested in forging a relationship with someone who clearly has little inclination to connect with me. Acknowledging that many people experience complicated relationships with their mother-in-law, I sought advice from an expert for guidance.
Navigating a Challenging Relationship With Your Mother-in-Law
The conventional stereotype of problematic mother-in-laws does not apply in every case. “Unless your mother-in-law is genuinely toxic to everyone and has a limited circle of supporters—primarily herself—she is probably trying to find her place in your life but may not know how,” explains Dr. Robin Hornstein, Ph.D. “She might be mimicking her own mother or trying to break away from that pattern.”
The first step is to evaluate what adjustments you’re willing to make in your interactions with her to ease the tension. Dr. Hornstein suggests considering an apology for a historical grievance she holds, having an open dialogue, or surprising her with a thoughtful gesture. More importantly, reflect on the hopes you held regarding extended family dynamics when you committed to your partner.
Being empathetic can be helpful in regulating your responses to her behavior or reactions. What’s really at stake here? Is this situation creating stress for your spouse or your children, who love their grandmother? For example, if you are raising your children as vegetarians and she covertly feeds them meat due to disagreements, or if your spiritual beliefs diverge from what she instilled in her children, resulting in tensions. Dr. Hornstein recommends approaching her with a combination of warmth and firm boundaries as the most effective strategy.
Ultimately, the relationship is dynamic and may present remarkable moments—allow time and think of her as a lasting figure in your life. This viewpoint justifies the efforts to enhance your relationship, even through moments of pain and frustration caused by her behavior. Perhaps you can find common ground based on the shared affection for her child. Cultivate curiosity and embark on a new journey to understand her better. If the attempt proves fruitless, at least you can say you tried. On the other hand, if it succeeds, you could gain another person to value in your life.